I don't want to be bald today.
I want to have a bad hair day.
I dont want fatigue from chemotherapy
I want to be tired from working full time.
I want to be organising outings with the kids, not ferrying them to Canteen events.
I want to feel sick because I have drunk a little too much not from this shit that has been pumped into my veins.
I hate this shit disease.
I hate thinking that every twinge and pain is a secondary.
I hate thinking morbid thoughts and feeling like shit.
I dont want this shadow following me around for the rest of my life.
Worrying every time a new symptom pops up.
Worrying every time I have a follow up appointment.
sleepless nights
anxiety
depression
nausea
fatigue
chemotherapy
port a cath
blood tests
Cancer.
these are words I loathe today.
And yet I am adjuvant. I should be thankful.
I should see the glass as half full.
I should wear these scars and symptoms as my battle wounds.
I will pick myself up and damn this disease.
You wont get the better of me!
Fuck you cancer! I am stronger than you!
You wont get me.
I will wallow in my treatment side effects because it means it is doing something.
I will eat good food and exercise and treat my body as a temple so you cant get another foot hold.
I will have down moments but you wont keep me down.
I will fight you until the bitter end. Until you are gone and I am exhausted.
I will poison my body and expose it to radiation to be rid of you.
But I will be the victor. Not you.
You can go and get fucked!
(WOOD, EYE)
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Thursday, 28 June 2012
I got the 1 am blues!
I was doing so well with my sleep patterns. Thankyou chemo for messing them up!
Feeling a bit crap this time round. Not as bad as first time, but nowhere near as good as the second one.
Slept on and off for the rest of day 1, and for most of yesterday and now BING! Im awake!
Felt so gross yesterday, just a yuck feeling in my stomach, tired and energyless.
managed to eat a little, but even though I was hungry, every time I ate I felt worse. Like the food was just sitting there not wanting to go anywhere.
My hair is almost all gone, I am almost a chrome dome. Apart from a few cactus spikes here and there which annoy the crap out of me. I give it a good scrub in the shower with a wash cloth and marvel at the amount of hair caught in it. I also marvel that there is any left on my head! but there is, I feel it when Im lying on it. poking into my head like little needles :(
Anyway 1 more round of AC to go thank god then onto the weekly taxol/herceptin. Hopefully this will be a lot kinder.
Right lets see if we can score a few more zzzzz's!
nighty night!
Feeling a bit crap this time round. Not as bad as first time, but nowhere near as good as the second one.
Slept on and off for the rest of day 1, and for most of yesterday and now BING! Im awake!
Felt so gross yesterday, just a yuck feeling in my stomach, tired and energyless.
managed to eat a little, but even though I was hungry, every time I ate I felt worse. Like the food was just sitting there not wanting to go anywhere.
My hair is almost all gone, I am almost a chrome dome. Apart from a few cactus spikes here and there which annoy the crap out of me. I give it a good scrub in the shower with a wash cloth and marvel at the amount of hair caught in it. I also marvel that there is any left on my head! but there is, I feel it when Im lying on it. poking into my head like little needles :(
Anyway 1 more round of AC to go thank god then onto the weekly taxol/herceptin. Hopefully this will be a lot kinder.
Right lets see if we can score a few more zzzzz's!
nighty night!
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Round 3! ding ding!
here we go for number 3.
Round 2 wasnt too bad, so Im hoping round 3 and 4 wont be cumulative and knock my socks off!
I have been fairly busy with doctors appointments, ferrying children to sport and school and catching up with friends.
Last week I got my genetic tests back, we are clear of the dreaded BRCA genes. Thank God!
I wasnt really concerned for myself as if I was positive it was a fairly easy decision to go chop chop chop. The concern was for the girls. To be faced with that ticking time bomb and the decisions that go along with it.
Thankfully they dont have to face that. They will need to be breast aware and start official screening at 29 (10 years younger than my diagnosis) but they dont need to think about having their boobs off or ovaries out at a ridiculously young age.
So it is 7 weeks since my diagnosis and I still have moments where it feels so surreal and like a huge mistake! Its like a really bad dream that when you wake up you breathe a sigh of relief and think Oh thank god that was a dream.
I cant wake up from this one.
My hair is falling out at its own pace, little wee hairs on my pillow, or on the face cloth I use to wash my head. But now all those little hairs feel like cactus spikes in my head. NOT a pleasant feeling!
It comes out easily when pulled, but they are so short, its hard to get a good grip on them. So I bought some wax and got the girls to wax my head! Sounds bizarre I know, but theyre all ready to come out so its doesnt hurt, they just need a little help. The girls had waaaay too much fun doing it. We got a lot out, and now I have some bald patches and some hair patches and still some cactus patches :(
I popped into work last week, it was great to see all the girls (and the odd bloke!) and I'm actually not dreading going back to work as much as I thought I would. I think it will be good to get back to some sense of normalcy albeit part time normalcy. Hopefully my chemo/menopausal/blonde brain will cope with thinking again!
The beast has stayed around the corner. I know he's there, but for the moment he is out of sight. This is a blessing, I dont want him around and I dont want to have to increase my meds. I will however go and see the clinical psychologist and see what she has to say.
I am amassing a fabulous collection of hats, beanies and head wraps. The other night I also bought myself a couple of cheap wigs. One long blonde curly one, a long blonde straight one and a short brown curly one. If I have to be bald I might as well have a bit of fun with it and change my hair to suit my mood and outfit!
I do however love going out with nothing on my head, just to see peoples reactions. Some people just cant cope with it! They try and sneak looks at you and then get all flustered and embarrased when you catch them. I have a little snigger to myself when this happens.
But thats just cos I am a shit stirrer :)
Round 2 wasnt too bad, so Im hoping round 3 and 4 wont be cumulative and knock my socks off!
I have been fairly busy with doctors appointments, ferrying children to sport and school and catching up with friends.
Last week I got my genetic tests back, we are clear of the dreaded BRCA genes. Thank God!
I wasnt really concerned for myself as if I was positive it was a fairly easy decision to go chop chop chop. The concern was for the girls. To be faced with that ticking time bomb and the decisions that go along with it.
Thankfully they dont have to face that. They will need to be breast aware and start official screening at 29 (10 years younger than my diagnosis) but they dont need to think about having their boobs off or ovaries out at a ridiculously young age.
So it is 7 weeks since my diagnosis and I still have moments where it feels so surreal and like a huge mistake! Its like a really bad dream that when you wake up you breathe a sigh of relief and think Oh thank god that was a dream.
I cant wake up from this one.
My hair is falling out at its own pace, little wee hairs on my pillow, or on the face cloth I use to wash my head. But now all those little hairs feel like cactus spikes in my head. NOT a pleasant feeling!
It comes out easily when pulled, but they are so short, its hard to get a good grip on them. So I bought some wax and got the girls to wax my head! Sounds bizarre I know, but theyre all ready to come out so its doesnt hurt, they just need a little help. The girls had waaaay too much fun doing it. We got a lot out, and now I have some bald patches and some hair patches and still some cactus patches :(
I popped into work last week, it was great to see all the girls (and the odd bloke!) and I'm actually not dreading going back to work as much as I thought I would. I think it will be good to get back to some sense of normalcy albeit part time normalcy. Hopefully my chemo/menopausal/blonde brain will cope with thinking again!
The beast has stayed around the corner. I know he's there, but for the moment he is out of sight. This is a blessing, I dont want him around and I dont want to have to increase my meds. I will however go and see the clinical psychologist and see what she has to say.
I am amassing a fabulous collection of hats, beanies and head wraps. The other night I also bought myself a couple of cheap wigs. One long blonde curly one, a long blonde straight one and a short brown curly one. If I have to be bald I might as well have a bit of fun with it and change my hair to suit my mood and outfit!
I do however love going out with nothing on my head, just to see peoples reactions. Some people just cant cope with it! They try and sneak looks at you and then get all flustered and embarrased when you catch them. I have a little snigger to myself when this happens.
But thats just cos I am a shit stirrer :)
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
7 hours straight of sleep. Winning!
The fluidity of my mood is amazing.
The last 2 days I was so down, scared and anxious I wanted to lock myself away and hide under the blanket.
Today I wake up much more positive. Not feeling like I am going to cry every minute.
I'm fairly sure a good nights sleep is to thank for that, and for that I would like to thank my good friend Lorazepam :) maybe thats why I feel so calm this morning!
Whatever, I'm running with it.
I went out yesterday, in the midst of all my tumultuous emotions to catch up with and old friend and workmate and also to see the radiation oncologist regarding my radiotherapy treatment.
Catching up with my lovely friend was so nice, we had a good laugh much like we used to do and crapped on about bullshit and inconsequential stuff.
I also ran into many other colleagues though the day, me with my bald head (covered by scarf) and they with their sympathetic hugs and enquiries. Although I always replied with "I'm good" when asked, everyone could tell from my tone that I wasnt and many times the tears would come unbidden. Sometimes I was lucky enough to break contact before they came, other times were not so lucky.
While I know its ok to let people see the chinks in my armour, and I'm quite happy to talk about how I feel I'm not someone who can show emotion in public. I will often not even cry in front of my family. Its a private pain and no one can comfort me. I just have to get it out in my own way.
Thankfully lunch was a crazy gossip session with my friend, there was a near miss of blubber time when I ran into my ex-medical colleagues some of whom are friends, others who are colleagues so after the niceties I excused myself fairly quickly!
The appointment with Dr Zap went very well. I was so glad I chose him. We went through data and numbers and tables to calculate risk of recurrence with and without treatment and he outlined what he wanted to do etc etc. He fully understood my need to re-excise and was very supportive even though medically he didnt feel it was necessary psychologically he knew the impact it would have on me and was happy to tailor my treatment around it.
We also discussed my genetic status. As I will be getting the results of my genetic testing on Thursday I will then know if I am at a higher risk of developing further breast or ovarian cancer. As always I have maintained that if I am BRCA positive (the breast cancer gene) I will be opting for a bilateral mastectomy. Whip those bad boys off! Dr Zap however has recommended if I do that to also have chest wall irradiation to decrease my chance of recurrence in the affected side. This has implications for reconstruction as the tissue becomes very tight and difficult to reconstruct.
Food for thought. At the end of the day I will do the thing that will preserve my life, but I will need to discuss my options with the plastics people. If they can only give me a wee set of boobies I'm not fussed. As mentioned previously I have in the market for a smaller set for a while now. Bring on the A cups! If they cant reconstruct at all, that will take some coping with. I will deal with it, but I know it will be difficult. Lots of things to think about.
My younger 2 are home tonight after being at their dads and I bask in their children-ness. All my girls are home, it warms my heart. I get a well being phone call from a medico friend and we talk about my mood and meds and the impact of a disease like this and what to do about it and also shoot the breeze. I am feeling the beast move away, but I can still see him in the distance watching me.
This morning I dont see him. I know he is still around but he has moved out of my line of site for the moment.
The last 2 days I was so down, scared and anxious I wanted to lock myself away and hide under the blanket.
Today I wake up much more positive. Not feeling like I am going to cry every minute.
I'm fairly sure a good nights sleep is to thank for that, and for that I would like to thank my good friend Lorazepam :) maybe thats why I feel so calm this morning!
Whatever, I'm running with it.
I went out yesterday, in the midst of all my tumultuous emotions to catch up with and old friend and workmate and also to see the radiation oncologist regarding my radiotherapy treatment.
Catching up with my lovely friend was so nice, we had a good laugh much like we used to do and crapped on about bullshit and inconsequential stuff.
I also ran into many other colleagues though the day, me with my bald head (covered by scarf) and they with their sympathetic hugs and enquiries. Although I always replied with "I'm good" when asked, everyone could tell from my tone that I wasnt and many times the tears would come unbidden. Sometimes I was lucky enough to break contact before they came, other times were not so lucky.
While I know its ok to let people see the chinks in my armour, and I'm quite happy to talk about how I feel I'm not someone who can show emotion in public. I will often not even cry in front of my family. Its a private pain and no one can comfort me. I just have to get it out in my own way.
Thankfully lunch was a crazy gossip session with my friend, there was a near miss of blubber time when I ran into my ex-medical colleagues some of whom are friends, others who are colleagues so after the niceties I excused myself fairly quickly!
The appointment with Dr Zap went very well. I was so glad I chose him. We went through data and numbers and tables to calculate risk of recurrence with and without treatment and he outlined what he wanted to do etc etc. He fully understood my need to re-excise and was very supportive even though medically he didnt feel it was necessary psychologically he knew the impact it would have on me and was happy to tailor my treatment around it.
We also discussed my genetic status. As I will be getting the results of my genetic testing on Thursday I will then know if I am at a higher risk of developing further breast or ovarian cancer. As always I have maintained that if I am BRCA positive (the breast cancer gene) I will be opting for a bilateral mastectomy. Whip those bad boys off! Dr Zap however has recommended if I do that to also have chest wall irradiation to decrease my chance of recurrence in the affected side. This has implications for reconstruction as the tissue becomes very tight and difficult to reconstruct.
Food for thought. At the end of the day I will do the thing that will preserve my life, but I will need to discuss my options with the plastics people. If they can only give me a wee set of boobies I'm not fussed. As mentioned previously I have in the market for a smaller set for a while now. Bring on the A cups! If they cant reconstruct at all, that will take some coping with. I will deal with it, but I know it will be difficult. Lots of things to think about.
My younger 2 are home tonight after being at their dads and I bask in their children-ness. All my girls are home, it warms my heart. I get a well being phone call from a medico friend and we talk about my mood and meds and the impact of a disease like this and what to do about it and also shoot the breeze. I am feeling the beast move away, but I can still see him in the distance watching me.
This morning I dont see him. I know he is still around but he has moved out of my line of site for the moment.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Dark Days
The sun shines without warmth
Blue skies but all is grey
Laughter in my ears that I cannot hear
Wind on my face that I cannot feel
Smooth skin and red scars
Marks to remind me of the shadow that haunts me
Rats gnawing in my belly
Troubled times in the darkness
Trying to escape the bottomless pit
I see the light
I see the sun
I know the warmth is there
I am desperate for its touch
Blue skies but all is grey
Laughter in my ears that I cannot hear
Wind on my face that I cannot feel
Smooth skin and red scars
Marks to remind me of the shadow that haunts me
Rats gnawing in my belly
Troubled times in the darkness
Trying to escape the bottomless pit
I see the light
I see the sun
I know the warmth is there
I am desperate for its touch
Night sweats, bald head and waking up with your sleep cap on your face!
Its interesting having a nude noggin!
I dont mind it but at the same time I look at girls with long flowing hair and sigh. I used to have hair like that. That in itself is a weird thought because for the past couple of years my hair has gotten shorter and shorter and when I shaved my head, I had a pixie cut! So why I'm now pining over long flowing locks, I know not.
I'm trying to get my sleeping patterns into some kind of order. The last couple of nights haven't been too bad. Although by the end of the day I am so tired I could go to bed at 7pm, I am trying to stay awake until at least 8:30. I know, I'm pretty hardcore!
I still wake up at 2-3 am but the last couple of nights Ive been able to go back to sleep without too much trouble or pharmaceuticals! Unfortunately I wake up when the husbands alarm goes off at 4:15, then when he leaves for work, then I doze until I get sick of tossing and turning and get out of bed. Every night I wake up at some point in a sweat. Ive read somewhere that this could be a sign of menopause as can the insomnia. Someone needs to tell my uterus though, its still on its normal 24 day cycle!
Yesterday was interesting. I woke up around 2am with a cracking headache and got up to go to the bathroom. When I got up I was really dizzy and had to steady myself as I walked. When I lay back down, the room was still a little spinny and took a couple of minutes to subside. This of course got me thinking immediately about brain mets. Fuck! shit thought at 2am. I started to get a little anxious but managed to go back to sleep.
Unfortunately the anxiety lingered when I got up and my mind started racing about all sorts of crap.
Ive always been nervous about what is in store for us after we die. The thought of going to heaven makes me uneasy! I just think, existing forever in another plane is a long fucking time. Wont we get bored? I try not to over think it because I do get nervy and uneasy when I do. and of course yesterday morning this was on my mind. Then I started thinking about the meaning of life.
Deep I know.
Why are we here? What is our purpose? It seems pointless sometimes, this society that we have created. There just doesnt seem to be any higher purpose for all the shit we do. Its all so self serving. These thoughts are not new, I have had them intermittently all my life, its just now in my current state, they appear to mean so much more.
The days are long at the moment because I'm not working. and while that is a good thing and gives me time to concentrate on being well and getting through chemo, its also not a good thing as I don't have a purpose, I become bored easily and my mind wanders. Then I start to think if I don't appreciate life and everything around me, maybe karma will decide to teach me a lesson. I have breast cancer! A potentially life limiting terminal disease! I should be thankful for everything I have. Thankful for life and the beautiful world that I live in and the love that I have.
It just seems a little empty at the moment.
and the anxiety creeps in.
its like a gnawing, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.
the feeling comes before the thoughts, and sometimes the thoughts dont even come.
its just the feeling.
I dont like it.
After a couple of hours of feeling this way, I decide to take half a lorazepam. Thats why theyre there right?
It takes a little bit, then it starts to kick in.
Then I take the puppies out for a walk. Sunshine, fresh air and working up a sweat do me a world of good.
I think I may be depressed. It might be time to up the meds that I am already on. Not surprising really considering!
Big daughter and I then hit the beach. Its mighty cold but the sun is out and the waves are crashing. I need some beach therapy.
We walk along the esplanade and through the mall, do a little shopping and look in all the pretty shops.
Then we get icecream and sit and watch a big ship crash through the waves.
I feel a little better, but I know the beast is there in the background waiting for me to drop my guard.
Friday, 15 June 2012
Sleep, dear sweet beautiful sleep!
These crap ass sleeping patterns are getting me down!
I was awake at 2:30, had a cup of chamomile, did a bit of internet shopping and went back to sleep, only to wake at 4:30.
yay me!
So the hair is gone.
I woke up yesterday and my scalp was kind of sensitive. As I ran my fingers through my hair, about 6 or 7 strands came out. I also noticed a few coming out downstairs as well.
So after a day of moulting worse than my hairy behemoth malamute and playing with it by seeing how much I could pull out at one time, I bought a pair of clippers and got the girls to shave my head!
Now I have a buzz cut, I look like an egg and my head feels like velcro! According to some of the girls on my Breast Cancer network, this may also get annoying as the "cactus spikes" try and come out!
It is very weird! My head is cold.
Ive always been a hair girl, long hair, short hair, whatever, its a rare day that I dont style it. Now I have none!
Strange but quite liberating at the same time.
the only thing that concerns me is the size of my head.
I have a wee little pin head with broad shoulders and huge boobs. This of course makes my wee head look even smaller!
might have to invest in some bulky beanies! Im actually looking forward to going out to see peoples reactions. Ill only cover up if Im cold. As those who know me, I am certainly not shy!
Take me for what I am, or not at all!
hmmmmm now 5 to 5 too early for a coffee?
I was awake at 2:30, had a cup of chamomile, did a bit of internet shopping and went back to sleep, only to wake at 4:30.
yay me!
So the hair is gone.
I woke up yesterday and my scalp was kind of sensitive. As I ran my fingers through my hair, about 6 or 7 strands came out. I also noticed a few coming out downstairs as well.
So after a day of moulting worse than my hairy behemoth malamute and playing with it by seeing how much I could pull out at one time, I bought a pair of clippers and got the girls to shave my head!
Now I have a buzz cut, I look like an egg and my head feels like velcro! According to some of the girls on my Breast Cancer network, this may also get annoying as the "cactus spikes" try and come out!
It is very weird! My head is cold.
Ive always been a hair girl, long hair, short hair, whatever, its a rare day that I dont style it. Now I have none!
Strange but quite liberating at the same time.
the only thing that concerns me is the size of my head.
I have a wee little pin head with broad shoulders and huge boobs. This of course makes my wee head look even smaller!
might have to invest in some bulky beanies! Im actually looking forward to going out to see peoples reactions. Ill only cover up if Im cold. As those who know me, I am certainly not shy!
Take me for what I am, or not at all!
hmmmmm now 5 to 5 too early for a coffee?
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Round 2
The morning after round 2. As per my current modus operandi in was up before the crack of sparrow fart. These 3 am wake ups are getting oooooooold! Am having sweats when I sleep whether it be at night or during the day. I wonder if this a sign of menopause onset? I guess time will tell.
Feeling a little queasy this morning but not too bad ( thankyou stemetil suppository)I'm waiting until I get the kids off to school before I bomb myself completely. Queasiness started again last night but nowhere near as bad as the first time, perhaps because this time I'm not constipated up to eyeballs! Hooray for regular motions!
Following my weekend meltdown over my margins, I was eager to see my oncologist and her opinion on further surgery. Before I saw her I saw 2 of my lovely breast care nurses and we talked it all out before I went in to the doc. One of them said something profound which never even occurred to me and that was that I had a say in what surgical treatment I would have! It's funny that it never occurred to me that I could say no I'm not happy with abc, I would prefer xyz. I just kinda figured that the MDT had made it's decision and I just had to wear it. Even coming from a cancer nursing background I forgot that I had rights to be involved in my treatment decisions. I wonder how non medical people fare? I felt much better after speaking to them especially as they understood where I was coming from.
I didn't necessarily want the whole thing off, just another excision to be sure nothing was left behind. My gut was telling me that was the way to go and if I ignored that and had to go through allnthis shit again in 12 months time, I'd be kicking my own ass for not pushing it.
So into the doc. After the usual exam and discussion of side effects I tell her about the MDT decision and how I felt and she says "no worries! We'll just get you in for surgery after Chemo is finished!" she is fucking awesome. I love her! Instantly all of those worries dissipate and I can now concentrate on getting through chemo. Hooray!
We look at the ki 67 (a measure of the cell turnover) and it's quite high. This means she says that the cell turnover rate is quite high making it an aggressive tumor. I ask her how long it could have been there and she says maybe 6 months? That with my HER2 status only solidifies my resolve for a re-excision. If there are cells left behind and I did nothing and had a repeat scan in January (as per the current plan) I could go back in 12 months with a repeat scan with another tumor of the same size if it has in fact been there for only 6 months. Ummmmmmm surgery please! Take another 3 cm I got plenty to spare!
Of course in the midst of this my genetic testing could come back positive in which case both of those bad boys will be long gone!
So second chemo.
My blood test on day 10 was still within ok limits. So my counts were either on their way down, or they had dropped early and were on their way up. More likely the former.
For non Meds- chemotherapy makes all your blood cells drop: you haemoglobin (red cells which carry oxygen) white cells (bodies infection fighters) and platelets(clotting factors) all of these can drop, but the one most affected are the white cells. You expect to see a drop usually around day 10-14. On day 10 mine were low but still ok.
Yesterday before chemo they were low. My doctor was happy to go ahead as I am getting an injection to boost my white cells, so they should come back to normal soon. In the meantime I have to watch out for infection and if my temperature goes up to 38 degrees, straight to hospital for some IV antibiotics.
This was the dilemma I had last week when my temp went up a little. Go to the local which has in the past had a dodgy ED department or go to the hospital where I used to work and be admitted to the ward that I used to work in!
I have since found out that my local ED is much improved. So this sets my mind at ease. And anyway I'm hoping I won't have to worry about that.
My hair is still firmly anchored in my head. Everyday when I hop in the shower and wash it I wonder when it will start to come out. Scalp has had some intermittent tenderness but quite mild and transient. Oh well I guess it will declare itself sooner or later. I am amassing a collection of hats, beanies and headscarves for the occasion. I even have a wig! A gift from a lovely friend :)
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Well. We are now Day 11 post cycle 1 of chemotherapy.
After the initial 2-3 days of nausea this week hasnt been too bad. There was a bit of queasiness after the nausea abated which then petered out.
My energy levels have been pretty good, of course Im not running any marathons but Monday morning I was able to sweep and mop the floors and do a general tidy up of our "sick house"
I did however feel as though I was brewing a cold, and considering the man and daughter number 1 have had revolting coughs, its not really surprising.
Tuesday night I felt a little off and my temperature started going up. Albeit slowly, but enough to make me panic. I am now obsessed with my temperature! If my temperature hit 38 degrees, I had to decide which hospital to go to.
Choice 1) the local hospital. Unfortunately I have had bad experiences with this place, both with myself and with my children. I didnt know if I could safely put my care in the hands of their emergency department which has screwed me around in the past.
Choice 2) the next bigger hospital. This is the place where I used to work as a cancer nurse. I would likely be admitted to one of two wards, both of which I have worked on and are staffed by my former colleagues and friends, one of which I am told currently has a norovirus outbreak.
Decisions decisions. Maybe I'll go to one of the city hospitals!
Thankfully my temperature hit 37.5 and then went down of its own accord.
The next day I went to my GP and got some antibiotics just in case.
On Thursday I saw my surgeon. I had to cancel my appointment with him last week as I was too crap after chemo to go in and see him. Also this has given him an opportunity to discuss my case at the breast meeting with the other clinicians.
So. The pathology report says that there are 2 ducts with DCIS close to the margin in the re-excision. They are within 1mm of the margin. This makes me nervous as obviously I worry about cells being left behind, and I am fully prepped for more surgery after chemo is finished.
The last time we were here, with involved margins, he tells me that surgery is the only treatment for DCIS.
Chemotherapy and radiotherapy doesnt touch it he says.
Cool. Im down with that. Cut that bad boy out!
Im planning my mastectomy, reduction of the other side and reconstruction.
New boobs!
Perky ones!
No bra!
Yee haa!
Hmm wonder if plastics man will do a tummy tuck while he's in there. ooooooh and thigh lipo as well!
Unfortunately my surgeon doesn't share my thoughts. Dammitalltohell!
It is the consensus of the Breast multidisciplinary meeting that the best option is to watch and wait. Regular follow ups with scans blah blah blah blah blah.
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!
This is my initial thought. As far as I'm concerned, prevention is better than cure. And if you can prevent any rogue DCIS OR invasive cancer cells outside of that margin from coming back then I'd much rather that thankyouverymuch!
I really like my surgeon he is lovely, but I feel he is on the conservative side.
Again. Everyone wants to conserve my breast but me!
I want to go to the breast MDT and tell them. I dont want conservative, I want aggressive. Smash it! This is my body and my breast and it tried to kill me. I WANT IT GONE!
get it?
No they dont get it.
The studies show XYZ, 123 and ABC.
breast conservation and radiotherapy is better
you dont need a mastectomy.
blah blah blah blah.
I dont give a fuck.
I want it gone. And I wonder how Im going to get it?
I fear recurrence and having to head down this road anyway.
Just do it!
I am nervous and not happy with these results. I feel like decisions have been made with no thought of how I feel or what I want. I have played no part in this decision making. Is that fair? Has anyone considered what I want?
So the decision is to follow up in 6 months at the end of treatment with repeat scans. I will be monitored closely.
That should instil confidence and relief but it doesn't. If you're so confident why are you watching so closely?
On the way home, I think about second opinions. I decide I will wait and have a chat to my medical oncologist who I trust implicitly and the radiation oncologist. They will know how well any left behind cells will be treated with their death rays and jungle juice.
Its not a decision that I have to make now, I have 5 months of chemo to get through yet, so we have time to ask questions, research get a second surgical opinion if required and there is also the genetic testing to come back. I might have a gene or 2 and then both of those bad boys will be gone!
On the surface everyone is amazed at I am dealing with this. I look so well! I am so cheerful! I am strong.
I cant allow the darkness in.
But it creeps in occasionally.
Im not that strong.
Scratch the surface. Its soft under there.
It might be time to see a Clinical Psychologist.
After the initial 2-3 days of nausea this week hasnt been too bad. There was a bit of queasiness after the nausea abated which then petered out.
My energy levels have been pretty good, of course Im not running any marathons but Monday morning I was able to sweep and mop the floors and do a general tidy up of our "sick house"
I did however feel as though I was brewing a cold, and considering the man and daughter number 1 have had revolting coughs, its not really surprising.
Tuesday night I felt a little off and my temperature started going up. Albeit slowly, but enough to make me panic. I am now obsessed with my temperature! If my temperature hit 38 degrees, I had to decide which hospital to go to.
Choice 1) the local hospital. Unfortunately I have had bad experiences with this place, both with myself and with my children. I didnt know if I could safely put my care in the hands of their emergency department which has screwed me around in the past.
Choice 2) the next bigger hospital. This is the place where I used to work as a cancer nurse. I would likely be admitted to one of two wards, both of which I have worked on and are staffed by my former colleagues and friends, one of which I am told currently has a norovirus outbreak.
Decisions decisions. Maybe I'll go to one of the city hospitals!
Thankfully my temperature hit 37.5 and then went down of its own accord.
The next day I went to my GP and got some antibiotics just in case.
On Thursday I saw my surgeon. I had to cancel my appointment with him last week as I was too crap after chemo to go in and see him. Also this has given him an opportunity to discuss my case at the breast meeting with the other clinicians.
So. The pathology report says that there are 2 ducts with DCIS close to the margin in the re-excision. They are within 1mm of the margin. This makes me nervous as obviously I worry about cells being left behind, and I am fully prepped for more surgery after chemo is finished.
The last time we were here, with involved margins, he tells me that surgery is the only treatment for DCIS.
Chemotherapy and radiotherapy doesnt touch it he says.
Cool. Im down with that. Cut that bad boy out!
Im planning my mastectomy, reduction of the other side and reconstruction.
New boobs!
Perky ones!
No bra!
Yee haa!
Hmm wonder if plastics man will do a tummy tuck while he's in there. ooooooh and thigh lipo as well!
Unfortunately my surgeon doesn't share my thoughts. Dammitalltohell!
It is the consensus of the Breast multidisciplinary meeting that the best option is to watch and wait. Regular follow ups with scans blah blah blah blah blah.
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!
This is my initial thought. As far as I'm concerned, prevention is better than cure. And if you can prevent any rogue DCIS OR invasive cancer cells outside of that margin from coming back then I'd much rather that thankyouverymuch!
I really like my surgeon he is lovely, but I feel he is on the conservative side.
Again. Everyone wants to conserve my breast but me!
I want to go to the breast MDT and tell them. I dont want conservative, I want aggressive. Smash it! This is my body and my breast and it tried to kill me. I WANT IT GONE!
get it?
No they dont get it.
The studies show XYZ, 123 and ABC.
breast conservation and radiotherapy is better
you dont need a mastectomy.
blah blah blah blah.
I dont give a fuck.
I want it gone. And I wonder how Im going to get it?
I fear recurrence and having to head down this road anyway.
Just do it!
I am nervous and not happy with these results. I feel like decisions have been made with no thought of how I feel or what I want. I have played no part in this decision making. Is that fair? Has anyone considered what I want?
So the decision is to follow up in 6 months at the end of treatment with repeat scans. I will be monitored closely.
That should instil confidence and relief but it doesn't. If you're so confident why are you watching so closely?
On the way home, I think about second opinions. I decide I will wait and have a chat to my medical oncologist who I trust implicitly and the radiation oncologist. They will know how well any left behind cells will be treated with their death rays and jungle juice.
Its not a decision that I have to make now, I have 5 months of chemo to get through yet, so we have time to ask questions, research get a second surgical opinion if required and there is also the genetic testing to come back. I might have a gene or 2 and then both of those bad boys will be gone!
On the surface everyone is amazed at I am dealing with this. I look so well! I am so cheerful! I am strong.
I cant allow the darkness in.
But it creeps in occasionally.
Im not that strong.
Scratch the surface. Its soft under there.
It might be time to see a Clinical Psychologist.
Monday, 4 June 2012
Tossing and turning.......
Well, that was a crap nights sleep!
I hate the way this disease has messed with everything.
I am bruised, scarred, sore, weakened. My life is upside down and inside out. I cant sleep when Im supposed to. I pop pills like there is no tomorrow.
F.U.C.K.E.D UP!
The port was giving me curry last night, woke me up in discomfort. I am slowly starting to hate this thing in my chest.
But! I am strong like Bull! These things are small pebbles on my road and I will overcome them.
I hate the way this disease has messed with everything.
I am bruised, scarred, sore, weakened. My life is upside down and inside out. I cant sleep when Im supposed to. I pop pills like there is no tomorrow.
F.U.C.K.E.D UP!
The port was giving me curry last night, woke me up in discomfort. I am slowly starting to hate this thing in my chest.
But! I am strong like Bull! These things are small pebbles on my road and I will overcome them.
Sunday, 3 June 2012
slowly slowly
Well its Monday morning 4:17 am.
Like I said. My sleep patterns are up the wazoo! I managed to get through most of yesterday without any anti nausea drugs, but required a nap in the afternoon and felt a bit crap after dinner so took some maxalon and loraz and had an early night.
Need to try and get back on the train to normal.
Poor old Rubes revisited the vomitron for 1 episode yesterday morning but was then hunky dory for the rest of the day. I wonder if it had anything to do with the 3 fundraising chocolate frogs she ate whilst mumma was in lala land on Saturday???
My port site still hurts which makes being comfortable difficult. In hindsight, I probably would have waited until after AC was finished to get the port so that I could get through the yuk yuks with one less thing to worry about. At the moment its another thorn in my side! Baha! (I think only cancer nurses or those who have a port might get that one!)
There have been a couple of dark moments over the last 72 hours. Nothing really bad but this kind of stuff really makes you realise how mortal you are. I can educate a patient on what they need to do to stay well through chemo from here to eternity. But living it is a whole different kettle of fish.
One highlight was a lovely little package from a friend I worked with on the cancer ward. She sent me some beautiful skin care and hair care products with no chemicals and parabens etc, just beautiful natural stuff. Im well on my way to hippy-dom, just need my Boobook house and we are set!
Funny, as she has told me she has a million wigs at her house, I thought at first it was a box of wigs!!! Love you gorgeous xx
Yesterday I made my first foray out into the wet world (up the shops) my poor husband panicked but knowing me he didnt argue too much. I felt a bit wobbly, like the way you do after a bout of gastro but I had to do it. Had to get out of the house that Ruby tells me smells like a hospital with sick people. Yeah, cant deny that one, it probably does.
Fresh air and rain on my face were beautiful. Up at the shops I see 3 of my lovely friends, 2 of which are also my breast care nurses! (most people only get 1 breast care nurse, I get the whole team! ;) We have a chat, I tell them how I have been going, show them my cracking scars and bruises, tell them my cannulation horror story and then I must push on as I feel my energy flagging.
I tool around the shop, leaning on a trolley, a complete scatterbrain, going back down aisles Ive already been down, not even sure of what I want!
Afer Ive finished I have to get out of there as I am stuffed. Get home and its back on the couch. Then some lunch then kippy time yet again.
What a life!
Like I said. My sleep patterns are up the wazoo! I managed to get through most of yesterday without any anti nausea drugs, but required a nap in the afternoon and felt a bit crap after dinner so took some maxalon and loraz and had an early night.
Need to try and get back on the train to normal.
Poor old Rubes revisited the vomitron for 1 episode yesterday morning but was then hunky dory for the rest of the day. I wonder if it had anything to do with the 3 fundraising chocolate frogs she ate whilst mumma was in lala land on Saturday???
My port site still hurts which makes being comfortable difficult. In hindsight, I probably would have waited until after AC was finished to get the port so that I could get through the yuk yuks with one less thing to worry about. At the moment its another thorn in my side! Baha! (I think only cancer nurses or those who have a port might get that one!)
There have been a couple of dark moments over the last 72 hours. Nothing really bad but this kind of stuff really makes you realise how mortal you are. I can educate a patient on what they need to do to stay well through chemo from here to eternity. But living it is a whole different kettle of fish.
One highlight was a lovely little package from a friend I worked with on the cancer ward. She sent me some beautiful skin care and hair care products with no chemicals and parabens etc, just beautiful natural stuff. Im well on my way to hippy-dom, just need my Boobook house and we are set!
Funny, as she has told me she has a million wigs at her house, I thought at first it was a box of wigs!!! Love you gorgeous xx
Yesterday I made my first foray out into the wet world (up the shops) my poor husband panicked but knowing me he didnt argue too much. I felt a bit wobbly, like the way you do after a bout of gastro but I had to do it. Had to get out of the house that Ruby tells me smells like a hospital with sick people. Yeah, cant deny that one, it probably does.
Fresh air and rain on my face were beautiful. Up at the shops I see 3 of my lovely friends, 2 of which are also my breast care nurses! (most people only get 1 breast care nurse, I get the whole team! ;) We have a chat, I tell them how I have been going, show them my cracking scars and bruises, tell them my cannulation horror story and then I must push on as I feel my energy flagging.
I tool around the shop, leaning on a trolley, a complete scatterbrain, going back down aisles Ive already been down, not even sure of what I want!
Afer Ive finished I have to get out of there as I am stuffed. Get home and its back on the couch. Then some lunch then kippy time yet again.
What a life!
Friday, 1 June 2012
Day 3 continued
I feel blah.
I'm not really sick, nor am I 100%. Its such a weird in between feeling. When I woke up earlier I felt ok. I pottered around ok and had a coffee and cleaned up the kitchen but have slowly slid downhill since then.
Ive slept intermittently on the couch. Finally had a shower around lunch time and had a couple of rice crackers for lunch. The thought of real food or a meal turns my stomach. I crave salty stuff and fizzy water.
Jasmines step mum brought her home from netball and her first umpiring session. I was sad I wasnt there to see her umpire her first game. Ruby has been my couch mate today, recovering from her stint as the vomitron last night.
Its cold and wet and yuk outside so I feel completely justified on my well worn position on the couch.
I'm not really sick, nor am I 100%. Its such a weird in between feeling. When I woke up earlier I felt ok. I pottered around ok and had a coffee and cleaned up the kitchen but have slowly slid downhill since then.
Ive slept intermittently on the couch. Finally had a shower around lunch time and had a couple of rice crackers for lunch. The thought of real food or a meal turns my stomach. I crave salty stuff and fizzy water.
Jasmines step mum brought her home from netball and her first umpiring session. I was sad I wasnt there to see her umpire her first game. Ruby has been my couch mate today, recovering from her stint as the vomitron last night.
Its cold and wet and yuk outside so I feel completely justified on my well worn position on the couch.
Chemo time
I am wound up tighter than a spring on chemo day.
I didn't sleep a wink the night before thanks to anesthetic and the short sleep I did get resulted in dreams of infected cannula sites.
Yeah! Just what I need before I get some drugs that will suppress my immune system.
So I'm quietly working myself into a state wanting to get it over and done with.
I finally pop half a lorazepam and this helps immensely. Thank god for benzo's and opioids!
We arrive at the clinic and they are chockas so we have a little wait. The boss comes and gets us and we have education to begin with. This is more for my husband and daughters benefit than mine as I have given this education myself a million times.
After this I see a trials nurse who is going to take some blood for a trial measuring cardiac function. Then we get down to business. They take down the dressing on my accessed port. Is still as sore as a bastard but not as bad as yesterday thank god!
The initial pull back doesn't yield any blood so they give it a little flush and off she goes. The bloods for my trial and also for my genetic testing are done and sent. Then the premeds are given to stop me from feeling sick and then the chemo.
It's kinda strange receiving chemo. Nothing happens when it's going in, it's the aftermath that is the teller. Getting it as easy as drinking a glass of water.
Once were all done they flush, lock and deaccess my port. Aaaaah that feels so much better. And off I go with my box of goodies.
Once I get home I have a little sleep as I am exhausted from the last couple of days.
When I wake up I feel not so great. The yuk yuks have hit me. Wow that was quick! I didn't expect anything until tomorrow!
I start going through my little arsenal that my lovely daughter has arranged for me in a little box. Hmmm we'll star with the maxalon I think. I don't feel like dinner but I have a little potato and a couple of pieces of broccoli for nourishment.
My beautiful amazing children have started a fundraising page on everyday heroes to raise money for breast cancer research. I cant believe how awesome they are. They're going to shave their heads in support of me! I am in awe of them. I would cry but feel quite emotionless at the moment. they are so special and I am so lucky to have them. I thank god for my beautiful girls and my wonderful husband. The give me something to live for. This is their gorgeous website. 4 baldies! yeah
http://www.everydayhero.com.au/the3sisters
The nausea waxes and wanes. I try ginger beer, ginger and lemon tea and finally a stemetil suppository (thats right, up the butt) and half a loraz.
My husband makes me a bit of toast with vegemite and that helps a little. I take the other half of loraz and try and get some sleep.
Day 2
I feel about the same, like a cross between being hungover and morning sickness. Not enough to make me vomit or be bed bound but enough to make you feel like crap.
I have a coffee and some toast and all my meds including some tasty bowel prep which is absolutely awful under normal circumstances, let alone when you are feeling nauseated but I manage to get it dow. I havent gone since port day so today is day 3. Gotta get the mail moving!
My husband takes the kids of to school and I lay down on the couch and have a 2 hour nap! Eldest wakes me up by feeling my head. She says my face is flushed so we check my temp, all good, must be from chemo. I spend the majority of the day on the couch in and out of waves of nausea. Get a few wellbeing phone calls from friends/nurses. Still no joy from the poopy department which Im sure is not helping the nausea.
I get a phone call from the school, Ruby is sick and vomiting. They have tried everyone on the list and have gotten through to Rubys step mum. She is going to get Rubes and bring her home. Thank god for angels. I dont honestly know how i would have gone doing it. Obviously if push came to shove I would have to but Im glad it didnt come to that. So poor old Ruby comes home and vomits all afternoon. The poor little lamb. I know exactly how she feels except that Im not vomiting! So we set her up with her bowl and her bag and her antibacterial wipes and hand sanitiser.
What a pair we are!!!
I have another little kip and a little care package comes from my lovely nursey friends with all sorts of pills and suppositories and a wee little birdie on top.
Amazing the things that cheer you up!
Ruby gets a maxalon which stops the voms and allows her to get a decent sleep.
I pop a few more pills and eat a little dinner then back to bed we go. This time with a full loraz on board.
Day 3
Im up at the crack of sparrow fart, still a little sicky. Its way too early to get up but I dont really feel like going back to sleep. My sleep patterns are up the wazoo at the moment. So what else is a girl to do at 3:30 am? whack in a couple of suppositories and see how we go! So I do and then go back to bed and wait for them to do their job. 20 mins later tada! We have some action. Hooray! its not 3 days worth but its a start. Back to bed again lets see if there are any zzz's waiting for me to catch them. Unfortunately not so I get up around 5 ish pop my morning meds including an anti nausea and have my coffee.
Ruby wakes up and is much better thank god, I still feel in that middle land between hungover and pregnant.
The coffee does its trick and we have a bit more joy in the mail delivery department. Its funny the things that impress you when your world is turned inside out.
I didn't sleep a wink the night before thanks to anesthetic and the short sleep I did get resulted in dreams of infected cannula sites.
Yeah! Just what I need before I get some drugs that will suppress my immune system.
So I'm quietly working myself into a state wanting to get it over and done with.
I finally pop half a lorazepam and this helps immensely. Thank god for benzo's and opioids!
We arrive at the clinic and they are chockas so we have a little wait. The boss comes and gets us and we have education to begin with. This is more for my husband and daughters benefit than mine as I have given this education myself a million times.
After this I see a trials nurse who is going to take some blood for a trial measuring cardiac function. Then we get down to business. They take down the dressing on my accessed port. Is still as sore as a bastard but not as bad as yesterday thank god!
The initial pull back doesn't yield any blood so they give it a little flush and off she goes. The bloods for my trial and also for my genetic testing are done and sent. Then the premeds are given to stop me from feeling sick and then the chemo.
It's kinda strange receiving chemo. Nothing happens when it's going in, it's the aftermath that is the teller. Getting it as easy as drinking a glass of water.
Once were all done they flush, lock and deaccess my port. Aaaaah that feels so much better. And off I go with my box of goodies.
Once I get home I have a little sleep as I am exhausted from the last couple of days.
When I wake up I feel not so great. The yuk yuks have hit me. Wow that was quick! I didn't expect anything until tomorrow!
I start going through my little arsenal that my lovely daughter has arranged for me in a little box. Hmmm we'll star with the maxalon I think. I don't feel like dinner but I have a little potato and a couple of pieces of broccoli for nourishment.
My beautiful amazing children have started a fundraising page on everyday heroes to raise money for breast cancer research. I cant believe how awesome they are. They're going to shave their heads in support of me! I am in awe of them. I would cry but feel quite emotionless at the moment. they are so special and I am so lucky to have them. I thank god for my beautiful girls and my wonderful husband. The give me something to live for. This is their gorgeous website. 4 baldies! yeah
http://www.everydayhero.com.au/the3sisters
The nausea waxes and wanes. I try ginger beer, ginger and lemon tea and finally a stemetil suppository (thats right, up the butt) and half a loraz.
My husband makes me a bit of toast with vegemite and that helps a little. I take the other half of loraz and try and get some sleep.
Day 2
I feel about the same, like a cross between being hungover and morning sickness. Not enough to make me vomit or be bed bound but enough to make you feel like crap.
I have a coffee and some toast and all my meds including some tasty bowel prep which is absolutely awful under normal circumstances, let alone when you are feeling nauseated but I manage to get it dow. I havent gone since port day so today is day 3. Gotta get the mail moving!
My husband takes the kids of to school and I lay down on the couch and have a 2 hour nap! Eldest wakes me up by feeling my head. She says my face is flushed so we check my temp, all good, must be from chemo. I spend the majority of the day on the couch in and out of waves of nausea. Get a few wellbeing phone calls from friends/nurses. Still no joy from the poopy department which Im sure is not helping the nausea.
I get a phone call from the school, Ruby is sick and vomiting. They have tried everyone on the list and have gotten through to Rubys step mum. She is going to get Rubes and bring her home. Thank god for angels. I dont honestly know how i would have gone doing it. Obviously if push came to shove I would have to but Im glad it didnt come to that. So poor old Ruby comes home and vomits all afternoon. The poor little lamb. I know exactly how she feels except that Im not vomiting! So we set her up with her bowl and her bag and her antibacterial wipes and hand sanitiser.
What a pair we are!!!
I have another little kip and a little care package comes from my lovely nursey friends with all sorts of pills and suppositories and a wee little birdie on top.
Amazing the things that cheer you up!
Ruby gets a maxalon which stops the voms and allows her to get a decent sleep.
I pop a few more pills and eat a little dinner then back to bed we go. This time with a full loraz on board.
Day 3
Im up at the crack of sparrow fart, still a little sicky. Its way too early to get up but I dont really feel like going back to sleep. My sleep patterns are up the wazoo at the moment. So what else is a girl to do at 3:30 am? whack in a couple of suppositories and see how we go! So I do and then go back to bed and wait for them to do their job. 20 mins later tada! We have some action. Hooray! its not 3 days worth but its a start. Back to bed again lets see if there are any zzz's waiting for me to catch them. Unfortunately not so I get up around 5 ish pop my morning meds including an anti nausea and have my coffee.
Ruby wakes up and is much better thank god, I still feel in that middle land between hungover and pregnant.
The coffee does its trick and we have a bit more joy in the mail delivery department. Its funny the things that impress you when your world is turned inside out.
Post port, pre chemo
So its Thursday morning, the day after my port a cath insertion, day of chemotherapy.
I have so many mixed emotions today, the major one being anxiety.
Post port insertion I am sore! Have been smashing double Endone plus panadol and breakthrough Endone as well!
This morning was much better, managed with 1 Endone and 2 panadol. Still a little tender but better than last night.
Did not sleep a wink overnight, this appears to be the common theme with me and anaesthetics. Should probably have taken a lorazepam, but as I was Endoned up to the eyeballs, was a little nervous about taking a benzo on top of all that!
Yesterday was a bit shit. I will think long and hard before having a procedure in the public again.
After waiting in the cold hard waiting room for 2 hours, they finally took me into the day surgery unit where I got changed (and had to wear their awful undies) and barely had a chance to say goodbye to my loves before they whisked me into theatre.
Waiting in the theatre bay I got all emotional and had a cry, but tried not to let anyone see. Not that anyone really took that much notice of me, and anyway they're theatre nurses. Do they know how to deal with a conscious patient?
A nurse comes and checks me off and doesnt mention the tears, (in regards to above question, I think not) we whizz off to the pre-theatre room.
A medical student comes to put a cannula in. I honestly do not think she has ever done this before. For some reason I am as compliant as a lamb being put to slaughter and say nothing.
I look back at myself lying complacently in the bed while she fumbles around with equipment she obviously knows sweet fanny adams about and I scream at myself. "Sharpen up bitch! Take your arm away and ask to wait for the anaesthetist!" Jesus what was wrong with me yesterday!
The whole procedure was a farce from beginning to end.
She looks for a vein without a tourniquet. Strike One. you aint gonna find nuthin that way my friend
She fumbles with the tourniquet, and when finally figures out how to do it doesnt tighten very much. Strike Two!
Then we start the hunting game. Up and down the arm we go. I clench my fist, I drop my arm over the bed in an attempt to help her as I can sense this is going to be bad.
She goes for the cubital fossa (crook of the arm, the lazy cannulators spot)
And Strike Three! This is where I should pull my arm away but I am rabbit in headlights. She cleans my arm (thank god for small mercy's) but then pulls the uncovered cannula from the kidney dish.
So this little steel and plastic tube is no longer sterile and she tries to shove it in my vein. Why did I not stop her? Why did I not pull my arm away and say excuse me that is no longer sterile and I dont think you should be using it.
What is wrong with me!
She fails at her attempt but pushes the cannula in anyway. Tries to flush it but surprise surprise it wont work. After fart assing around for another 5 minutes I take off the tourniquet and ask her to remove the cannula. She says oh it might start working. And this is when I come to life and say "No if it doesnt work now its not going to and it needs to come out." She takes it out. Thankfully, and scurries away like a little mouse.
Now Im all for learning, we all had to learn somewhere. But skills such as these should be be done under the tutelage of an expert. Its not see one do one teach one. Cannulation is an art. As a nurse we have to do a course then be watched to be deemed competent. As a medical student, you watch someone else then off you go on your own. Confident or not. Proficient or not.
Thankfully after that the anaesthetist comes in and we get down to business. Cannula in Yay!
Midaz given woooo helloooooo! as a lovely friend of mine once said, i am all sparkly headed!
we move into the OT and I dont remember a hell of a lot. Except for waking up in in pain.
Oh mofo. This one hurts.
yeeeeeowch!
the fentanyl doesnt cover it.
2 Endone helps though.
I am comfortable enough to go back to Day surgery and my nurse there is lovely. She brings me a couple of panadol to help with the endone and it does.
I eat, get chenged, see my breast care nurse then go home. Its been another long anaesthetic filled wednesday.
The pain is awful and all night I am on endone and panadol. And I dont sleep a wink!
I have so many mixed emotions today, the major one being anxiety.
Post port insertion I am sore! Have been smashing double Endone plus panadol and breakthrough Endone as well!
This morning was much better, managed with 1 Endone and 2 panadol. Still a little tender but better than last night.
Did not sleep a wink overnight, this appears to be the common theme with me and anaesthetics. Should probably have taken a lorazepam, but as I was Endoned up to the eyeballs, was a little nervous about taking a benzo on top of all that!
Yesterday was a bit shit. I will think long and hard before having a procedure in the public again.
After waiting in the cold hard waiting room for 2 hours, they finally took me into the day surgery unit where I got changed (and had to wear their awful undies) and barely had a chance to say goodbye to my loves before they whisked me into theatre.
Waiting in the theatre bay I got all emotional and had a cry, but tried not to let anyone see. Not that anyone really took that much notice of me, and anyway they're theatre nurses. Do they know how to deal with a conscious patient?
A nurse comes and checks me off and doesnt mention the tears, (in regards to above question, I think not) we whizz off to the pre-theatre room.
A medical student comes to put a cannula in. I honestly do not think she has ever done this before. For some reason I am as compliant as a lamb being put to slaughter and say nothing.
I look back at myself lying complacently in the bed while she fumbles around with equipment she obviously knows sweet fanny adams about and I scream at myself. "Sharpen up bitch! Take your arm away and ask to wait for the anaesthetist!" Jesus what was wrong with me yesterday!
The whole procedure was a farce from beginning to end.
She looks for a vein without a tourniquet. Strike One. you aint gonna find nuthin that way my friend
She fumbles with the tourniquet, and when finally figures out how to do it doesnt tighten very much. Strike Two!
Then we start the hunting game. Up and down the arm we go. I clench my fist, I drop my arm over the bed in an attempt to help her as I can sense this is going to be bad.
She goes for the cubital fossa (crook of the arm, the lazy cannulators spot)
And Strike Three! This is where I should pull my arm away but I am rabbit in headlights. She cleans my arm (thank god for small mercy's) but then pulls the uncovered cannula from the kidney dish.
So this little steel and plastic tube is no longer sterile and she tries to shove it in my vein. Why did I not stop her? Why did I not pull my arm away and say excuse me that is no longer sterile and I dont think you should be using it.
What is wrong with me!
She fails at her attempt but pushes the cannula in anyway. Tries to flush it but surprise surprise it wont work. After fart assing around for another 5 minutes I take off the tourniquet and ask her to remove the cannula. She says oh it might start working. And this is when I come to life and say "No if it doesnt work now its not going to and it needs to come out." She takes it out. Thankfully, and scurries away like a little mouse.
Now Im all for learning, we all had to learn somewhere. But skills such as these should be be done under the tutelage of an expert. Its not see one do one teach one. Cannulation is an art. As a nurse we have to do a course then be watched to be deemed competent. As a medical student, you watch someone else then off you go on your own. Confident or not. Proficient or not.
Thankfully after that the anaesthetist comes in and we get down to business. Cannula in Yay!
Midaz given woooo helloooooo! as a lovely friend of mine once said, i am all sparkly headed!
we move into the OT and I dont remember a hell of a lot. Except for waking up in in pain.
Oh mofo. This one hurts.
yeeeeeowch!
the fentanyl doesnt cover it.
2 Endone helps though.
I am comfortable enough to go back to Day surgery and my nurse there is lovely. She brings me a couple of panadol to help with the endone and it does.
I eat, get chenged, see my breast care nurse then go home. Its been another long anaesthetic filled wednesday.
The pain is awful and all night I am on endone and panadol. And I dont sleep a wink!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)