Let it snow!

Well a fabulous weekend was had in the snow, unfortunately not long enough. I had my first Taxol/Herceptin on Monday and compared to AC, TH is a walk in the park! This has been a crazy full on week, back from the snow on Sunday, chemo Monday, was supposed to go back to work Tuesday but ended up in hospital with my eldest daughter instead! She was admitted to high dependency with asthma so the return to work was put off until Thursday. The poor baby was not happy with being in hospital so I spent my time to and from work visiting and comforting her. Needless to say by the end of the week I am exhausted. Also battling a bit of a head cold/sinusitis doesn't help. I've had a headache for 2 weeks and have convinced myself I have brain mets. Nasty nasty thoughts. I'm so emotional and scared and tired and really don't want to play anymore. I don't like this game. I'm really feeling sorry for myself now. Why me? It's not fair! I look after cancer patients. I'm not the cancer patient! Going back to work was interesting. While I was there it was fine, but on reflection, I don't know if I really want to be there. Don't I have enough cancer in my life? Unfortunately life doesn't stop and bills need to be paid. I think somehow I might have a hard time getting another job and I certainly don't want to go back to clinical nursing. Am off to see the clinical psychologist on Monday. Hopefully she can help me deal with all the bullshit inside my brain. God knows I'm not dealing with it so well at the moment.

2 weeks later......

Since my last post I have had another round of chemo, booked a ski trip, shaved my daughters' heads to raise money for breast cancer research and celebrated my 40th birthday. A fairly full on fortnight! I booked the ski trip after the last wahwah as I needed something other than another dose of poison to look forward to. I'm also in the mindset of do not put off until tomorrow things that can be enjoyed today. Life is short. Sometimes shorter than we expect. Enjoy it now! I celebrated a lovely birthday with family and friends, stretching the celebrations to over 3 days! A girl doesn't turn 40 every day, and she certainly doesn't turn 40 bald every day! I even had a couple of surprise interstate visits from my sister and cousin which was really lovely. Then back to reality and the last cycle of AC. That stuff is rancid. Just thinking about it now makes me feel nauseated. The side effects start at the end of the infusion of cyclophosphamide with an awful headachy/sinusy feeling. I usually have a sleep when I get home, and then the yuk yuks start. It's the only way I can explain it. You just feel YUK. It starts with a low level queasiness, headachy tiredness which just gets worse. The next day I pop every pill in the box and just try and sleep the day away. I don't want to be awake feeling like this. Friday is an absolute shocker. I feel sick, my bones ache from the neulasta, my head hurts and my skin hurts! Mama Mia! I am popping maxalon, stemetil, Endone, panadol! Talk about poly pharmacy! By the end of the day I am so over it and cranky I pick a fight with my husband when he gets home. Saturday I wake up feeling better but still not 100% and I go to my daughters netball game. I last for 2 quarters before I have to leave, and I dont make it to soccer in the afternoon. The rest of the day is a write off, but at least my bones have stopped aching. Sunday is similar. The constant queasiness and headaches are soul destroying. It's always there yet the hardcore Meds have stopped. All I have now is maxalon, stemetil and lorazepam. For the sake of not spending these days in a stupour, I try and limit them. Sunday is spent on the couch. And now it's Monday. At the moment, I don't feel too bad. But its always this way in the mornings, it's as the day goes on that I start to feel worse. I have a look good feel better session this morning which I'm taking my good friend to. She also had breast cancer 10 years ago but never went to a session so she deserves one I reckon! Out of all my friends, she is the only one who knows what I am going through. She has been there, experienced all the side effects, the mental and emotional ups and downs, been bald done the lot. Every one else can only sympathize, she can hug me (albeit gently cos my skin hurts) and say I know. It means a lot to have that. Love you babe xx I miss my girls today, they are at their dads. I know he has as much right to see them as I do but I just want to be selfish and say no! You can't have them for a week at a time, I need them! They are my shining lights in this time of darkness! And I miss them! I want them with me always! But I have to try and remove negative thoughts and focus on the positive. The negative saps my good juju and I need as much of it as I can get at the moment. I follow the dalai lama such a beautiful spirit and wish I could be more tolerant. More giving and forgiving. I am unfortunately a slave to my emotions. And they are like a roller coaster at the moment!